I Come to This Same Conclusion Every Year...

Mostly in the fall because it's around my birthday. I never think I can get much older, yet I am somehow transformed year after year. Sometimes I feel like I've been through a war. I have enough scars. I've seen more horrors than anyone my age that I know. I've also seen the most beautiful things in the world. I've laughed, I've cried, I've held my breath...

I was thinking about the movie, "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". In the movie the guy wants to erase memories of his girlfriend so he won't hurt anymore. Sometimes I wish I could do that with my life. Not all of it, of course. And not all the bad, the bad is what makes you a stronger person. Just a select few real-life nightmares. Those are the worst, the things that are so terrible you think you must have dreamed them up, only they really happened, and the flashbacks are unbearable like some incurable terminal illness that feeds on your mind.

For all my other memories I am eternally greatful. I just don't see how much older I can get. Maybe I'll be overwhelmed with so much good this year I'll feel like I can't take anymore or I'll burst. Things like that happen to me at times, certain moments where I get so in love and full of everything I forget to breathe and everything is bliss. I think maybe the two extremes are just what being passionate is about.

Maybe year, after year just means that my passion grows...Because every year I seem to feel more and more. And I love that feeling. The feeling of feeling, more than anything.