Bittersweet

I'm glad she's here. Really. I wish things were different sometimes. I wish I was there more. I wish she was somewhere else. Wishes don't solve too much. I wonder if she'll grow out of the fury. Girls like us are considered ticking time bombs. I used to be at least. Not any more. I was much younger then. I was much, much younger a year ago. Ah, self discovery. It takes some people a lifetime and they still feel lost. I'm no longer prone to bouts of unharnessed rage. Once upon a lifetime ago there were bathrooms and darkened corners where I would rock and throw my limbs and scream. She probably does the same. Minus the sharpened blades and glistening pools of crimson. A war zone in my own home. Once upon a million years ago, or so it seems. I wish that I could save her from the pain.

Today

My back yard looks almost meadow-like.

Tonight

Tonight the moon is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. To think, I'de give up the moon and the stars. I must be insane.

I was flat on my back in the front yard right next to the street, gazing up at the stars and such through a tangled mass of tree branches and power lines. The air smelled sweet, but not overpowering and I was frozen. I tried to move. It took an hour. My mind melted away into thoughts of smaller things and then uncontrollable forces took hold. Dinner time.

I talked to my little orphan boy tonight. I love, love, love him! I can't wait till summer so I can go see him again.

Lost

My heart is full. It is wrapped in chains and locked up tight. Sometimes I wish that were not so true. I live three lives adn no one knows them all. That makes things a bit lonely. Worlds where everyone is smart, or spun, or sweet. They never merge. Somehow I'm not too tired of it today because underneath everything else I have love in my heart. Love on reserve.

Fuck me!

I accidently erased a year's worth of blogging. This proves that I am a computertarded idiot. Hurrah.